I’ve developed a certain pride in being a social misfit every time I’ve gotten into all kinds of trouble in my life, but I guess I’ve reached the point where it’s too nurtured and I’m ready to get over it.
I never thought I’d ever feel this way again, even when I’m at the point where I’m deeply satisfied with my life.
I’ve been interested in a girl from the Philippines through online English conversation lessons, and at the end of yesterday’s lesson, I felt like I could probably get her contact information next time, so I went into today’s lesson full of expectations, but all I got was disappointment in myself.
When I tried to ask him for his contact information, his face would tense up and I couldn’t ask her at all, but when I tried to do something about it, the negative monster in my heart said, “You’ve never been able to do it before, so you won’t be able to do it this time either. Time passed, and she probably expected me to ask for her contact information, but she ended up with a disappointed or disappointed look on her face and a see you.
I’m very disappointed in myself right now, because I thought from yesterday that I could really make it next time.
Well, then, “What the hell did I do wrong? Why should I feel this miserable?” I thought about it a lot, but in the end, I was convinced that I would never be able to mix with normal people.
I never imagined that I would feel like this when my mental health has been getting better recently, I have learned how to deal with various problems in my life in a realistic way, my abilities have been improved day by day, and my life has become very fulfilling.
So this ultimately proves that it is impossible for an unusual person like me to live like everyone else in this society.
There are various stages in life, but no matter how I improve my mentality or how many things I can do, I am fundamentally from a different world, so I guess it was impossible for me to live with everyone else.
I should completely change my mind to accept it that way.
I should completely discard any lingering thoughts of wanting to get to know that girl I’m interested in better, or of joining that community.
I think it’s time to completely change that perception.
I’ve recently started mental training to be more positive, but in the end, I can’t help but feel like my face is going to tense up when I’m having a conversation, and I can’t take it any further.
Incidentally, I started that mental training to deal with another mental problem.
About 4 years ago, I started to feel like I was going insane when I slept at night on an irregular basis, and recently I thought I was going to lose my mind because it was really bad, so I bought a book and did some research and started mental training.
And since the mental training was about creating positive thinking circuits in the brain, I had some hope that if I did the training, I would learn to see things in a positive light from the ground up, gain confidence, and my life would fundamentally change, but today’s experience has shattered that hope.
Of course, I bought it with the goal of eliminating the nighttime craziness, but I’m a little less motivated after today.
I honestly don’t know what to do with this face anymore.
I can’t do this anymore, I can’t do this anymore.
This guy is intensely, all the time keeping me from getting what I want, and crushing my confidence to pieces every time.
I can’t help it.
And the one about going crazy when I sleep at night probably will eventually lead to a panic disorder or something.
I had my first nighttime fear of going to bed at night a week ago.
In short, I can’t deal with the monster inside me anymore.
There is nothing I can do about it.
And I’ll never be able to approach a girl I’m interested in on my own again like everyone else.
I’ve completely given up after today.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and today has broken my heart.
I finally realized from the bottom of my heart that I can’t do it anymore because I have no confidence that she will accept me and I have a mental disorder on my face.
And I don’t know when I’m going to go insane again at night, so for now, I’ll just drink a lot of booze and get a good night’s sleep today.
I’ve been to various mental hospitals, but in the end, not a single doctor was able to deal with the monster inside me.
So, there’s no point in going to a hospital.
There is no one who can deal with this guy anymore, including me.
So I have to make the basic premise of my life that social misfits have their own paths, which will never intersect with normal people.
So go my way. That’s really all there is to it.
No matter how much my mental health improves or how satisfied I become with my life, I finally understand from the bottom of my heart that in this society where “normal people” live, there is happiness and enjoyment that I cannot experience.
I am 30 years old, and my life is not over yet.
I will do my best to carve out my own path.
Good-bye. I had a good dream for a little while.