When I am with my friends, acquaintances, and colleagues, I am normal.
I talk, sometimes laugh, and it’s pretty normal.
But, when I am with my family, it is completely different.
In front of my family, I don’t laugh at all, as if I am a different person.
I rarely speak to my family, and if I do, the tone of my voice becomes dark.
It is as if I am trying not to show my emotions in front of my family, and I am just as expressionless and uncommunicative.
I don’t want to invite my friends to my house as much as possible.
Perhaps it is because I don’t want to talk with my friends and show my natural emotions to my family.
This does not mean that I dislike my parents.
Rather, I care very much about my parents, and I especially care about my mother from the bottom of my heart, really, really deeply.
Thus, I have quite complicated feelings about my family.
So, as to why I became this way, I think it has a lot to do with my father’s upbringing.
So what exactly happened to me while I was growing up?
I would like those who will be raising children in the future to look back on my case as a lesson to them.
Parental education influences a child’s life more than you think.
- I was raised very strictly by my father who had old-fashioned values
- I had been cheerful, but gradually I became quiet
- I hadn’t spoken a word to my sister for over 10 years
- Suffering even after starting to work
- Why did my personality change only when I was at home?
- When parents scold their children, they should keep it to the minimum necessary
- How I feel now after receiving severe discipline
I was raised very strictly by my father who had old-fashioned values
I am a child of a 40 year old father and was raised by the father with old values who lived in old Japan.
From the time I was old enough to attend kindergarten, I was often thrown outside and locked in the house when he was angry with me as part of my discipline, and I would stand at the front door crying, “Please let me in.”
I was immediately and severely scolded for the slightest thing, and I think I was scolded every day.
His way of getting angry was also like yelling at the children anyway without listening to what they had to say.
I also received corporal punishment. (I was punched in the cheek when I was in elementary school, but that was the only time I was physically punished.)
When I went back to my parents’ house a few years ago, I watched a video of my family playing at the park when I was in elementary school, and my father was angry with me in the video for very trivial things.
Also, when I was in elementary school, I went to a cram school and was forced to study every night because I was aiming to take the junior high school entrance exam. Crying.
If I couldn’t solve a problem, my father got angry with me, and I desperately faced the problem with a pencil, crying every night.
Night after night, night after night, I cried and cried and cried.
As a result, I failed the junior high school entrance exam.
Incidentally, as you can imagine, I began to hate studying to death after that, and although I was super lucky to be able to go on to higher education, I never studied at all in junior high, high school, or college.
I was raised in a particularly strict and rigorous manner until around elementary and junior high school.
I was always angry and cried a lot.
I guess it is true that my home was not a very safe place for me.
I had been cheerful, but gradually I became quiet
I don’t have a clear memory of this, but I think that the strict discipline at home didn’t change much, although I no longer had to study for exams every night after junior high school.
My father used to get angry at me for the slightest thing.
And I gradually stopped talking at home.
I think everyone does that because they are adolescents.
But in my case, it has been that way since I was an adolescent until now.
Later, I went to high school and college, but I never laughed at home or talked about anything else with my family anymore.
I used to joke around and laugh with my friends at school and in my private life, and we had all sorts of chats.
But when I went home, my personality completely changed.
I am a completely different person at home and away from home.
I am not trying to avoid talking to my family, but it automatically happens.
I hadn’t spoken a word to my sister for over 10 years
I also have a younger sister who is two years younger than me, but from about the time I was in the upper grades of elementary school until the day before I graduated from college and moved to Tokyo, I never had a single conversation with her.
When I was in high school, my father told me once in tears, “Please be good friends with your sister.”
It was the first time I had ever seen my father cry, and now I think it must have been very painful and sad for my parents to have such a long-lasting brother-sister situation.
But I never communicated with my sister or my parents after that, and the time with my family was completely lost.
Suffering even after starting to work
And I feel that the strict discipline I received as a child has had a negative impact on me since I started working.
I have a hard time expressing my opinions to others.
Even if I don’t understand something, I can’t ask people around me right away.
I think this is because I have a fear in my mind that what I say will be denied.
I think I am excessively afraid of making mistakes and not knowing because the strong fear of getting angry if I make a mistake has been ingrained in my mind through rigorous nightly study.
I am also overly concerned about what people around me think of me, and I often get scared of the atmosphere around me.
I feel that this is largely due to the harsh discipline I received as a child.
It is just like an abused dog who comes to a new family and is still afraid of the people around him.
I think that because I was not raised in a spontaneous manner and was brought up in a cramped environment with strict discipline, I became atrophied when expressing my opinions to others.
I feel that a strong sense of aversion that what I say will be strongly denied has built up in my subconscious, and this is a major cause of my inability to exercise initiative even after I start working.
Why did my personality change only when I was at home?
I think I was born a little more sensitive than most people.
And in spite of being sensitive, I think that my father’s rather strict upbringing continuously scarred my mind beyond repair and completely closed my heart.
My sister received the same kind of upbringing, but she speaks in a normal way at home. (But she still doesn’t talk much)
In my case, I think my mind subconsciously brakes down to the point where I prefer not to do anything at home or show any emotion.
When I meet with friends outside the house, I am normal, and only when I am at home does my personality change.
However, I was normal only when talking to my grandmother.
My family consisted of my father, mother, me, my sister, and my grandma, and she was the only one who was normal with my grandma.
When I was in my grandma’s room, I often told her jokes and laughed with her so that she wouldn’t hear me in the living room where my parents were.
Well, I have a mind like this that I don’t really understand, so I don’t think it is easy for people around me to understand.
Now if I could spend a good time with my family at home too, of course I would, but it is hard for me to do so.
My mind automatically changes when I am with my family.
When parents scold their children, they should keep it to the minimum necessary
Having had this experience myself, I do not want this to happen to your families.
There is a limit to the severity of discipline.
In my family, they exceeded the limit, and I think I became closed-minded.
I strongly recommend that you scold your children when they do something wrong, but only to the minimum necessary.
I strongly believe that nothing good will come out of scolding a child based on emotion, and it will have a negative impact on the subsequent parent-child relationship and on the child’s later life.
A good example is me, whose personality completely changes when I go home.
How I feel now after receiving severe discipline
However, as I wrote at the beginning of this article, I do not dislike my parents at this time.
In fact, I am much more grateful to them for raising me.
In particular, my mother is a really kind person.
She is extremely kind and very gentle.
I was not able to rebel against my father when I was an adolescent, so I often said harsh things to my mother, which made her terribly sad.
I once told my mother that I didn’t want to eat her dinner, which she had worked so hard to prepare for us, even though we were not financially well off.
My mother has never done anything to make me feel bad about myself, and she has always treated me kindly, but my behavior at home, my harsh words and actions toward her, and my relationship with my younger sister have caused me deep sadness for a long time, so now I want to do everything in my power to give my mother the filial piety she deserves.
Even if I cannot behave normally at home, I still want to somehow create more good memories of my family in the future and make my kind mother happy.
When I see a picture of my mother holding me as a baby with a gentle smile on her face, I think that she must have dreamed of a happy, modest, and normal family, and I feel extremely frustrated and disappointed.
If I could turn back time, I would talk and get along with my sister normally, and I didn’t want to make my mother sad.
So, for the sake of my mother, who loved me and remained on my side at all times, I firmly vowed to get through whatever pain I was going through.
I have an unshakable belief that I will give back to my mother in the best possible way.
I also want to do the same for my father.
My father was strict, but when I think back on it, I don’t remember him ever saying anything that negated his character.
When I look at the albums and videos of my parents’ home, I can feel the love of family from them.
Until I was about junior high school age, I used to go for a drive with my family every weekend.
So I think it is just that the “way” of education in the family was not good as a result.
I think the foundation of the family was still love.
I also feel that my father is now reflecting on his past strict discipline, and he is now a very calm old man.
When I go back home, he treats me to a variety of treats, and I feel that he is atoning for his sins.
I think my father also wanted me to grow up to be a good person.
When I was two years old, my father decided to send me to preschool a year earlier than the others, and I started preschool earlier than everyone else.
He thought it would be better for me to get used to group life as soon as possible.
Therefore, my father may have been very strict in his discipline based on the idea that it would be better for his children in the future if they were placed in a harsh environment.
I think that my father and his family must have worked very hard to raise me in a situation where there were no textbooks on education and I was groping my way through life.
My father was self-employed and his family was not wealthy, and I later heard that there were times of economic hardship in our family. (Not wanting to unsettle us kids, my parents pretended to be normal.)
Nevertheless, I graduated from university and am now working for a company in Tokyo.
So I feel indebted to my parents, but I do not feel hatred toward them.
Yes, there are times when I have mixed feelings, but I don’t feel any hatred.
I think it is a shame to unnecessarily distort the family environment, because I believe that if parents have the best interests of their children in mind, their children will feel the love of their family at some point, even if their educational methods are not good.
I think such a situation is a tragedy.
I was educated like this at home, and now I treat my family with this kind of mindset.
It is very complicated.
I think it is a tragedy that this kind of time, which results in no benefit and is not good for the parents and the child, continues for a long time afterwards.
I do not mean to offend, but I do not want this to be the result.
Therefore, I hope that you will not be like me and that you will build a better family relationship with your children.
Of course, children do bad things, but they also have a conscience, and if they are living a good life at school with their teachers and friends, they will grow up without any nagging from their parents.
I think it is okay to trust your child a little more.
Based on my own experience, I believe that it is better to educate children in a relaxed manner and to develop their strengths, and if I have a child, I intend to raise him or her in such a relaxed manner.
If I have a child of my own, I intend to raise him or her in such a way that he or she can grow and develop. And even though I myself will face many difficulties in the future, I intend to gradually improve my relationship with my parents and sister, and do my best to create many happy memories.